Forgiving Ourselves

One of the best lessons I learned about forgiveness came from a juggler. Several years ago, while preparing to give a talk on time management, I interviewed a juggler about his ability to keep so many things in the air at one time. When I asked about the secret to his art, his answer surprised me. It was not about dexterity, flexibility, concentration, or coordination. All of those things mattered, to be sure. They could also be honed with practice. The one essential trait for learning to juggle, he said, was the ability to forgive yourself.

Think about it. If the juggler isn’t able to forgive himself for dropping the balls, he won’t pick them up and try again. It’s why children are more adept at learning how to juggle than adults. They don’t find the ball-dropping a self-judgment or see their capacity for learning something new and challenging as finite. They pick them up and try again. 

When teaching children the importance of forgiveness, we often neglect to include ourselves in the equation. Perhaps this is why so many people reach adulthood with chronic shame-and-blame patterns they find so difficult to break. I once heard this expressed when speaking to a group of parents whose children were preparing for First Reconciliation. One father spoke about his struggle with the resolution part of the rite. He explained that, while he was momentarily relieved by the extension of forgiveness, any feeling of peace quickly dissipated because he knew he would fall back into his same old patterns. Paul expressed a similar sentiment in his letter to the Romans. “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Romans 7:15).

In her book, Emotional Alchemy, psychologist Tara Bennett Goleman describes the “schemas” that we each develop early in life as a response to the world around us. When faced with rejection or conflict, for example, we craft a reaction that repeats itself and follows us into adulthood. Neurological research has shown how these reactions are etched into our brains, thus ensnaring us in an endless cycle of self-recrimination. We drop the balls and walk away.

What does it take to forgive ourselves? Bennett-Goleman suggests paying attention to our schemas in non-judgmental fashion. This means shutting down the “shoulds” and merely observing our own behaviors. We can then explore some important questions. Where did we learn to withdraw, lash out, spread gossip, or sabotage others? What threatens us? What hurts us? What are we afraid of? This process offers the kind of compassionate space that, in our best moments, we afford to others. With time and intention we circumvent the harmful habits etched into our heads and begin to craft new responses that come from the heart. It is a lively, hopeful, and even playful way to discover that we can not only pick up the dropped balls but we can also add new, more colorful ones to the mix.

Bright Ideas

• This year’s theme for Catechetical Sunday is “Teaching about God’s Gift of Forgiveness.” Download resources from the United States Catholic Conference of Bishops to use in your parish or school.

• Download my Prayer for a Merciful Heart and share it with your class or group.

photo © iStockphoto